Sedaratives

A Monthly Advice Column

This month: guest columnist Paul Scheer

Dear Sedaratives,
My boyfriend wants to get another tattoo on his arm, completing what he’s calling a “full sleeve.” I’m a little worried about this. I’ve seen those old navy guys with tattoos so blue they look likebruises. In another thirty years, is my boyfriend going to look like he has leprosy?
Angie P.
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Angie,
If your boyfriend wants to get a full sleeve, I suggest he get a tattoo of an actual shirtsleeve. That way he’ll be fulfilling his need for ink and your need to be with someone presentable in public. For example, not only do I have shirtsleeves tattooed on both of my arms, but I also have cargo pants tattooed on my legs and thighs, so I’m never not dressed. As far as looking like a bruised navy guy, every dude will look like that someday. That’s just a fact.
Paul

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Dear Sedaratives,
I just adopted a pair of adorable pugs, and I’m thinking about naming them after characters from The Magic Flute, Papageno and Papagena. My wife claims this is pretentious and that nobody will get the reference. Who’s right?
Opera Lover
New York, N.Y.

Dear Opera Lover,
I have bad news for you. Your wife is a robot sent from the future to kill you. Her fatal flaw is not “getting” pretentious pop-culture references. Eliminate her immediately! Save yourself and humanity!
Paul
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Dear Sedaratives,
My boyfriend wants to know how many guys I’ve been with before him. I’m worried that the number might be a little too high. What’s the etiquette on this? Should I tell him the truth, or what he wants to hear?
Susan B.
Rochester, N.Y.

Dear Susan,
Your boyfriend asked you how many guys you’ve slept with and then you left the room to write me this letter? Is he still waiting? He probably thinks the number is so huge that you need one of those military mainframe computers from I Dream of Jeannie to figure it out. Talk about bad etiquette!
There’s no way out of this now except to go right back in and ignore him. Pretend you forgot because you were distracted with your coin collection: “Honey, I’m sorry, the 1970 uncirculated Kennedy half dollars have been oxidized. What was your question again? Ah yes. I’ve only slept with three guys.”
Rich